Death of Kings is a non-fantasy, non-science fiction, work of fiction. The literary fiction coming-of-age story would be the closest genre-typecasting to associate with it.

Because I have no idea if I will ever get off my ass to find an agent, an editor, or a publisher, I have decided to make my first novel available through my website and publicize to all of you, friends both old and new. Some of you have expressed interest in reading it and despite 3 years having a ‘finished’ work, I’ve kept it hidden save for an initial printing for a few close friends and family.

After the first publication of Death of Kings I was made aware of a near infinite number of spelling mistakes and that my grammar can be, at times, odd (to say the least). Since that publication, I have edited the book three times. Yet, even as I began to put together the pdf version, I noticed things that I wanted to change. I made a few of those changes but then felt myself being drawn into the quagmire of editing it yet again. I had to stop or risk another three years going by.

I will admit, this is my baby. It is the culmination of 10 years of artistic effort. My wife can attest to the long nights spent outside in my car in order to both smoke and reduce interruptions, with an extension cord running from the apartment to my first IBM Notepad laptop stiff with keys requiring jackhammer force.

It’s a new world and I cringe at making this available electronically. As a bibliophile, having no physical book is anathema, but I figure it’s better to attempt to embrace this new world than hide from it. Feel free to save a copy for yourself and direct anyone that you think might be interested to either this post or the actual document. However, in 13 day, on November 1st, I will remove the pdf from my website unless some unforeseen circumstance arises.

If you would like to ‘donate’, email me at viscous [at] fizzygoo [dot] com and I’ll be happy to give you an address where you can send checks.

You can download Death of Kings from this page via the menu on the left, under novels. You can right click and choose "save as" or "save link as" to save a copy to your hard drive.

Thank you and enjoy.

The Geek Test

Answering yes to any of the following questions gives you the listed points for that question.

When asked “do you like…” this means you’ve studied it, read all or nearly all pertinent literature on the subject, watched most or all seasons, have memorized lines form the subject in question, etc. For example, maybe you think astronomy is cool but don’t keep up on the current findings, don’t at least occasionally look at the Astronomy Picture of the Day, and on clear nights when you find yourself out side you don’t look up and think “ahh”, this would indicate you cannot honestly answer “yes” to the question Do you like astronomy? Or, maybe you think you like Star Trek because you’ve seen the latest movie, but if you haven’t sat through the journey to find Vger and felt Kirk’s anger as he yelled “Khan!” and laughed as Scotty said “hello computer” then go home, you don’t like Star Trek.

As a geek, the key in knowing whether you can answer “yes” to “do you like” is if you know most people who would answer yes do so only because something about it is current in the public eye and that they are gargantuanly ignorant of the vast wealth of material that came before it…but not you, you know the back story, the front story, the directors notes, and whether it was cloudy with a 3.04% +/- .02 chance of rain on the day it was released.

1. Academics [15 pts]

Do you like astronomy? – 1 point

Do you like British literature from the 19 or early 20^th centuries? – 1 point

Do you like Carl Sagan? – 1 point

Do you like History? – 1 point

Do you like math? – 1 point

Do you like physics? – 1 point

Do you like theatre? – 1 point

Do you like Weird Al Yankovic’s music? – 2 point

Do you like Dr. Steven Hawking – 2 point

Do you like M.C. Hawking – 2 point

Do you use terminology from any of the above to express common every-day events? – 2 point

Your Academics total:

2. Books [55/110 pts]

(double points for owning a copy of the book or series of books)

Do you like any of Piers Anthony’s works? – 5 points

Do you like any of Isaac Asimov’s works? – 5 points

Do you like any of Arthur C. Clark’s works? – 5 points

Do you like any of Robert A. Heinlein works? – 5 points

Do you like any of Robert Howard’s works? – 5 points

Do you like any of H.P. Lovecraft’s works? – 5 points

Do you like Dune? – 5 points

Do you like The Hobbit? – 2 point

Do you like the Harry Potter series? – 3 point

Do you like Lord of the Rings? – 5 point

Do you like Silmarillion? – 5 points

Do you like the Wheel of Time series? – 5 points

Your books total:

3. Cartoons [15/30 pts]

(double points for owning a copy of the some or all of the series)

Do you like Evangelion? – 2 point

Do you like Cowboy Bebop? – 2 point

Do you like G.I. Joe? – 1 point

Do you like Invader Zim? – 2 point

Do you like Ninja Scrolls? – 1 point

Do you like Record of Lodoss War? – 1 point

Do you like Robotech? – 2 point

Do you like Star Wars: Clone Wars? – 2 point

Do you like Transformers? – 1 point

Do you like Voltron? – 1 point

Your Cartoons total:

4. Comics [50 pts]

Did you ever collect comics? – 5 point

Do you still have a comic collection? – 5 point

Do you still collect comics? – 10 point

Do you use bag and boards? – 10 points

Do you use gloves when handling comics? – 20 point

Your Comics total:

5. Computers [50 pts]

Can you write code? – 5 point

Do you currently write code? – 5 point

Have you set up a website? – 5 point

Have you set up a website related to any of the other topics on this test? – 5 point

Do you currently have a website related to any of the other topics on this test? – 10 point

Have you ever replaced or added hardware to a computer? – 5 point

Have you ever built a computer? – 15 point

Your Computers total:

6. Fringe [50 pts]

Have you been to the Ren-faire? – 1 point

Have you dressed for the Ren-faire? – 2 points

Have you worked at the Ren-faire? – 3 points

Have you ever researched Bigfoot? – 1 point

Have you ever researched Loch Ness? – 1 point

Have you ever researched Out of Body Experiences? – 1 point

Have you ever researched Skin-walkers? – 1 point

Have you ever researched UFOs? – 1 point

Have you written, coded, or drawn fan-work for any of the other topics on this test? – 5 points

Would you consider yourself a trekkie? – 5 points
Do you speak Klingon? – 5 points

Do you speak Quenya/Sindarin? – 10 points

Would you consider yourself one of the furries? – 10 points

Do you like Second Life? – 2 points

Are you a furry in Second Life? – 2 points

Your Fringe Total:

7. Movies [50/77 pts]

(double points for owning a copy of the movie or complete catalogue, i.e. all Batman movies)

Do you like the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8^th Dimension? – 5 points

Do you like Akira? – 3 point

Do you like Batman? – 1 point

Do you like Big Trouble in Little China? – 2 point

Do you like Blade Runner? – 2 point

Do you like Brazil? – 1 point

Do you like Conan the Barbarian? – 1 point

Do you like Ice Pirates? – 1 point

Do you like Highlander? – 1 point

Do you like Lord of the Rings? – 1 point

Do you like Monty Python & The Search for the Holy Grail? – 3 point

Do you like Red Sonya? – 1 point

Do you like Star Trek? – 2 point

Do you like Star Wars? – 2 point

Do you like Superman? – 1 point

Do you like 1980’s horror & sci-fi movies in general? – 2 point

Do you like 1970’s horror & sci-fi movies in general? – 2 point

Do you like 1960’s horror & sci-fi movies in general? – 2 point

Do you like 1950’s horror & sci-fi moives in general? – 2 point

Do you like any movie that has been “reviewed” by MST3K? – 5 points

Do you agree with the following statement; “Han shot first.” – 10 points

Your movies total:

8. Role-Playing Games & CCGs [100 pts]

Have you played a role-playing game? – 5 point

Have you ever owned role-playing books? – 5 point

Do you currently own role-playing books? – 10 point

Have you ever painted your own miniature(s)? – 10 point

Are you currently playing a role-playing game? – 20 point

Have you ever played Magic the Gathering? – 5 point

Do you still play Magic the Gathering? – 10 point

Have you ever played any other CCG (Pokemon, Yu-gi-oh, etc)? – 5 point

Have you LARPed? – 5 point

Do you currently LARP? – 10 point

Are you a member of the SCA? – 15 point

9. Television [25/50]

(double points for owning a copy of some or all of the series)

Do you like Babalon 5? – 3 point

Do you like Battlestar Galactica? – 2 point

Do you like Dr. Who? – 2 point

Do you like The Hulk? – 2 point

Do you like Knight Rider? – 2 point

Do you like MST3K? – 2 point

Do you like The Prisoner? – 2 point

Do you like She Spies? – 2 point

Do you like Star Trek? – 3 point

Do you like X-files? – 2 point

Do you like any of Monty Python’s Flying Circus? – 3 point

Your Television total:

10. Toys [40 pts]

Do you have a toy related to any of the other topics on this test? – 5 point

Are any of them still in the box? – 15 point

Are all of them in the box? – 20 point

Your Toys total:

11. Video Games [50 pts]

Have you ever owned a consol system? – 5 point

Do you currently own a consol system? – 10 point

Have you ever played a PC video game? – 5 point

Are you currently playing a PC video game or games? – 10 point

Is one of them a MMORPG? – 20 point

Your Video Games total:

Your total:

Your total x 2 = grand total:

Your grand total divide by 10 = your Geek Percentage.

My score...I’m only 63% Geek

It contains adult content, sexual topic (no images, just text), and you should not click on the below link if you do not find discussions of sex and sexuality to your liking and/or if you are under the age of 18 (or 21 where that is the legal age to do so...though I don't think any of it actually falls under the explicit nature of pornography, it's just a short [ha!] discussion on sex).

Click here to continue.

 "Note, I am aware of the strange characters at the bottom of the document, I've switched to using Aptana as html editor and, well, this seems to me the norm rather than the exception"

 Update: Page is fixed.

After all these years, decades even, I still want to write a manifesto, I still want to be a cult leader. Of course violence, destructive natures, usually go hand in hand with manifesto writing cult leaders. That’s not my aim, not my goal. But I would guess, even the best madmen start out with good intentions. Or, at least, they figure that everything will go according to plan without much thought going into the violence that would have to arise to make the plan work. This is why I’m not a manifesto writing cult leader. When I figure out how to do it, how to get into that line of work, and ensure that no violence or harm arises from it, I’ll post openings for things like “cultist” and “master of phantasmagoric ritual” and other such things. It’ll be boss.

The manifesto, I figure, will be a Crowley-Nietzsche mix, Will to Power, Magick is Will, that kind of thing. Being your own individual will be a cornerstone, but also being holistic I’ll have to square the circle before I can get corners for stones. The manifesto will applaud reasoning and understanding as well as embracing your emotions; learning to yield to your emotions as they yield to you, an Ouroboros deal so to achieve balance for the them, reasoning and logic to understand where the emotions come from and how to deal with the world around you, Magick –  Will to direct your emotions and knowledge to further your happiness. Meditation will be study, learning, teaching, dialogue and argument. Prayer will be action, exercise, building, creating, and sex. This manifesto is for this world; “But we must tend our gardens” after all.

The cult will be made up of members that have read the manifesto and understand it. If I was the destructive, violent, cult leader type, I’d rule that if you didn’t understand the manifesto then the cult would eat you (we couldn’t have you walking around, knowing about the manifesto, and be un-digested now could we); a highly ritualistic and morbid affair, a nosferatu feast rather than a Leatherface fiasco.  But I only find cannibalism funny in conversation, not in practice. Some might think that to be in the cult, members should have to swear by the manifesto, be ready to die for it, and so on. But I figure if you read it, and understand it, and still want to be in the cult…we’ll, that’s a pretty glowing gesture of acceptance of and for the manifesto, now isn’t it. But of course, all this rests on the ability to figure out how to have a nice pleasant non-violent cult.

The cult will have to be a secular cult, not religious. Things get complicated when you bring in religion. Just look at Judeo-Christian-Islamic origins…how many different groups, organizations, ideologies, leanings, etc emerged from those early writings? No, no. My cult needs to be secular. The cult won’t try to argue for anything that it can’t prove. This is one way to ensure that things don’t go all crazy-violent, as a secular cult leader can’t claim that the old gods are telling him to make his followers do things…and if he does make those claims, then the cult just puts him in a medical care facility for schizophrenia, or eats him…but we’re trying to avoid cannibalism.

Now some might claim that this isn’t really starting to sound like a cult. Well, don’t you worry. We’ll have the coolest cultist robes ever, grand scented and unscented multi-color candles, inscribed walls with awesome geometric patterns and esoteric imagery, secret handshakes, decoder rings and more!  

The cult will have two core laws;

1. Do no harm.

2. Make funny.

The first is from the Hippocratic Oath. The second comes from my personal philosophy (posted here).

Where, how, when to start this cult are all great questions without any good answers at this point. Location is important.

Well, Northern California is currently where the center of the cult will be. I’m there, and it is my cult. At first we’ll probably just have to use my house, which isn’t great because I don’t think my wife will like a bunch of cultists hanging out. Now if everyone is clean and keeps things nice, I’m sure that will go a long way to making it bearable for everyone until the Lair can be constructed.

The Lair will be between Petaluma and Novato. On 101, there’s a bend in the hills. Towards the west there are a few hills, one of them is perfect. There will be a tower build upon that hill and on top of that tower there will be a large statue of a dragon curled around the tower, poised as if attacking the tower itself. There will be a propane fueled flamethrower in the statue and at night it will be turned on so that every 15 to 20 minutes, drivers on 101 are greeted on their dark drive with flash of flame that illuminates the dragon and tower for a few seconds.

I know, cults are supposed to be secretive and everything. But, I’m merging my lifelong dream of making this tower with the cult-idea, that way: two birds with one stone. Regardless, the outside is pretty much for show. Down the hill, away from 101, there will be gardens and orchards to live off of. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a meat eater, meat seems natural to me, it’s good. But, if we can get the cult self-sufficient so that we grow all our own food then so much the better. But growing our own food in a small area kind of negates livestock, so I figure we’ll go vegetarian. The plus side is that it will minimize any “bestiality” rumors about the cult, and bestiality is right out…with my cult anyways. Fishing will be a good way to satisfy the meat cravings, sushi is good, but bovine will be far more difficult to come by. I figure if you can win a debate, arguing against Voltaire, with a cow then you can eat the cow. If you loose, well, under normal circumstances the cult would eat you…but I guess we’d have to feed you to the cow in order to avoid going all cannibal.

Now inside the tower, we’ll have to dig down. After all, most of the surface structure will be given over to supporting the dragon’s weight. But below the surface, we’ll have extensive catacombs that lead to the various rooms. The catacombs will all be scary, spooky, torch-lit hallways, but the living quarters will be furnished and lit as deemed fit by those living in them. I’m thinking we could get some nice “sky” lights extending from the rooms to the surface so that we get nice natural lighting. Indoor swimming pool is a must, Olympic sized so that people can keep in shape and have fun at the same time.

The crux of the problem though is whether to be modern or not. Normally, under “normal” cult circumstances, we could never allow TV, radio, internet or other media forms to get in. After all, nothing like learning about outside things to make one question the authority of the cult. But on the other hand, this is supposed to be a non-normal cult (hell, we’re outlawing cannibalism for starters!). So maybe some media, but not a lot. Sitcoms and reality TV and soap-opera/continual-story-line TV would be right out if I were the leader…and I am, so, out they go. Movies would be in. News is in. Documentaries are in. Of course one could argue that Sitcoms and soap operas are just short and long movies respectively and reality TV is just in-the-moment documentaries about really stupid subjects. So I guess all of it’s in, in the end.

Internet and telephone are normally out, what with all that “don’t let your cult members have contact with the outside world” attitude of typical cult leaders. But again here, we want everyone’s families not to worry, hell, we’d even invite people out to visit…no, wait, we’d have standing invitations, so that family and friends could come out and visit without notice, anytime. Of course some family members might get upset, what with all the learning and happiness and healthiness going on at the Lair, but we could just eat them. Sorry, no, we could just ask them to leave if they got to rowdy…no cannibalism.

Books though…you have to love books to get into the cult. And by this point, who doesn’t want to get in? We’ve got a freakin’ fire breathing dragon and a tower and catacombs, and grown-by-our-own-hands food, and we’re all accomplished sushi chefs, and we’re healthy and happy and non-violent! So yeah, books are good, got to like to read them. And every once in a while every member would have to read a book that was, for that individual, really hard to understand. Kind of like school, in a way, because you’d have to look up words and maybe reference other books to make sense of it all. But when you finished, you’d be all giggaty. Or maybe not. The cult is about individualism, after all. But still, highly recommended that you find some reason to like books. Start with funny books; they’re your best bet. Also, getting books that describe nudity and sex is a good way to get, ahem, aroused by the written word…after a few of those you can start to move on to the books that get your cortex engorged.

Yeah, so that’s about it. Manifesto and cult-leader thoughts. Of course the manifest will have to be really long where I go off on long tangents about this or that. But it’s good to do that, that way it leaves a lot of room for interpretation after I’m eaten by my cult, wait, no…after I die of natural causes due to a long an healthy life living with friends whom I just happen to call “Dark Brother of Debauchery” and “Morbid Sister of Masochism” for the fun of saying “debauchery” and “masochism” and “of.”

Working on a personal philosophy, I’ve now outlined it. I know, I know, most of you are thinking, “great, here come a bunch of long winded sentences that never end because they’re all long winded en’ shit.” But really. I’ll keep it as short as possible.

Comedic Pseudo-Nihilism (in ten easy steps)

1. Nihilism’s view is that existence is void of intrinsic value, meaning or purpose.

2. However, “the pathos of 'in vain' is the nihilists' pathos — at the same time, as pathos, an inconsistency on the part of the nihilists.” Nietzsche, The Will to Power, sec. 585.

3. So claiming that the world is without meaning is a meaningful statement with a purpose to describe this world as without purpose. Nihilists are right about everything except themselves.

4. This is funny.

6. Anything that is funny, or comedic, is that which forces a smile or laughter from an observer/listener (or any other sense used, some smells are funny, feathers in the armpit, etc.).

7. Nihilism can be applied to everything except itself, and in applying itself to itself a comedic experience emerges that negates itself, and so therefore the only thing worth anything is comedy.

8. If the only endeavor of value is that of comedy, then comedy at the expense of others is of the least amount of value.

9. The more people that find an event comedic imparts more value to existence than does an event that less people find funny.

10. Therefore, the best comedy is that which makes everyone laugh, which creates meaning in everyone’s lives.

Make people laugh, nothing else matters, life is a joke, all is in vane, struggling against the infinite nothing with finite strength, finite time, finite self, no chance to win, success a myth, and layered within the epic existential depression of it all…belly button lint, nose hair, laughing so hard a half eaten French fry is regurgitated and projected into your soda only to float, bobbing up and down in front of the waitress, like a mocking parody of your own inability to control your body.

Bill Rogokos took his life. Corey called yesterday to tell me and I could hear his pain, I could feel it, because his suffering, his wish that he could have done something to stop Bill’s final choice, became my suffering at hearing the pain in Corey’s voice and unable to do anything save to listen five hundred miles away. This pain multiplies, expands, with the realization that so many of the people I know and love are suffering at loosing Bill; his sister Michelle, Corey, Jared, Paul, Erica, Nolan, Josh, we all grew up in the same neighborhood. I understand the desire to kill ones’ self, to end the suffering of life, but in doing so it creates so much more suffering that the balance is not reset; one weight is lifted but many more are added in the process, weights that can never be removed.

I remember in high school, sitting in Corey and Jared’s house reading the entirety of the Steven King’s Langoliers to Bill and the others. How many other fifteen or sixteen year olds would sit there listening to one of their piers read them a story for six hours? How many houses did we toilet paper together? We were never the closest of friends, but we were friends. I respected him. As time and distance separated us and news of him reached me second hand, it was always good news, news that he was a good man. My condolences to his family. To Bill! I raise my glass to him and to all who miss him.

The house is going great, despite the dogs keeping the place a mess with the fluffy innards of their stuffed animal toys, and the puppy’s digested meals scattered about. We still need to get the bathrooms fixed as they have slight water damage, just not slight enough to fix cheaply. The peach tree is almost ready have its fruits consumed, but the nectarine and apple trees still need more time.

I’m back working for the NASA E/PO group at Sonoma State University. In addition to taking over the secretarial job for the maternity-bound secretary, I’m also engaged in some observing with GORT, writing updates for the Gamma-Ray Burst Real-time Sky Map, and helping write episodes for Epo’s Chronicles.

I’m awaiting the test results for the first of three CSET tests in the journey which is getting a Single Subject Teaching Credential. The goal is to start working as a science teacher for high school sometime within the next year or so. However, coming back and working at with the NASA group has been a lot of fun and it would be tempting to continue to work there and help extend the science outreach to schools in the area.

New puppy, a long-haired German shepherd named Enkidu. Cthulhu and Enkidu have been getting along splendidly, however there are moments of dominance which can be scary to hear but no one has gotten anything but their egos hurt as of yet (and we’d like to keep it that way).

I’ve been play testing 4th edition D&D with my regular game group and I think it’s safe to say that we all enjoy the new combat rules. I am still displeased with it being so combat focused, as it just means either waiting for “fluff” books to come out or devising our own house rules, neither of which makes me happy.

Blogs that I’m reading of late:

Phil Plait’s Bad Astronomy blog which is now under the wing of Discover Magazine’s website, a totally cool event with a hats of to Phil. Dr. Plait is also set to publish his new book later this year, called Death from the Skies!: These Are the Ways the World Will End… which looks very cool and includes death by direct gamma-ray burst. The gamma-ray bursts (GRBs) are the things we’re helping track at the NASA E/PO group.

P. Z. Myers blog, Pharyngula is an evolution and biology blog that also combats creationism and Intelligent Design as viable “scientific” pursuits. It’s an interesting read for the controversy alone, but the science is great as well (I mean come’on, who doesn’t welcome the cephalopod overlords!).

This marks the eighth move in six years, roughly a move every nine months. Hopefully this will be the last move for a very long time. I’m very tired of it. I expect to be a burnt out husk of a man in less than a year with the option to rebuild.

Well, off to unpack or organize or just fall asleep, which ever I happen to stumble into first…

The title itself lays the foundation, “Increased Subtle Energy Damage from WIFI,” and then the article jumps right into the concrete swimming pool of New Age mysticism gone bad. Put on your protective head gear of choice, we’re jumping in head first.

Right off the bat they make the claim that:

Every physical body (this applies to both humans an animals) has an energy field underlying and surrounding it, called the “etheric body,” “aura”, or “subtle body.” A good clairvoyant or “medical intuitive” can look at a person’s etheric body and see where problems are forming energetically, and let you know about it before those problems become physical.

What, plants aren’t good enough for an aura? And what is meant by underlying a physical body…is it under the skin, in the bones, where does it reside or emanate from? But more importantly what do they mean by “energy”? A good clairvoyant (no bad ones mind you), can “look” and “see” this energy, but surely they aren’t talking about the energy that is electromagnetism, such as the basic visible wavelength that allows the majority of humanity to “look” and “see”?

They go on to explain that energy starts in our consciousness, namely thoughts and feelings. So, electro-chemical reactions in the brain?

That energy then takes on a physical expression in our third dimensional world. This is how “our thoughts create our reality”

Um, shouldn’t they say “three dimensional world”, but that would be nitpicking. Really though, don’t they know about that wonderful dimension time, time which lies at the root of energy, how much work is done over a given period of time. Of course, maybe they’re talking about time, but forgetting about left and right? And “thoughts create our reality,” if that were true there’d be a lot more barbarians running around slaying the physically-manifested-from-their-thoughts dragons while saving the hot princesses than gamers at dining room tables with dice and pizza-stained character sheets. Really though, on a serious note, making a statement like “our thoughts create our reality” is about as self-centered world-ignorant as you can get. Obviously all the people around the world experiencing genocide, starvation, warfare and other such atrocities just aren’t thinking good thoughts. Right. Because life is so easily boiled down to a spoiled brats mantra.

What ever is going on in our energy field eventually manifests in our physical body. This is universal law. If our energy field gets damaged, our physical body will experience problems. There is not getting around it.

What?! Another universal law!?

Oh how I love the universal laws. The universe seems to have so many universal laws that searching for them reads like Hammurabi’s Law Code. Only they make less sense than throwing your wife in the river because others are pointing the adultery finger at her. In order to make my crap sound really important I’ll call it a universal law, which means you can’t argue with it and I won’t let you argue with it because it’s universal…and a law…and I’ll tell my dad on you.

…everyone’s energy field is taking an incredible pounding-from all the “invisible” frequencies that bombard us daily, via TV, radio, computer, microwave, cell phone and satellite transmissions. These frequencies damage our energy field on an ongoing basis and weaken us over time.

So wait, it is light, my energy field is light, and it’s being damaged by the 300 KHz to 300 MHz TV and Radio frequencies (1 kilometer to 1m wavelengths), and the 300 MHz to 30 GHz mobile phone and wireless networking frequencies (100 cm to 1 cm wavelengths). So those clairvoyants are seeing light, and they’re seeing it in wavelengths other than the “normal” visible range of the spectrum. And they go on to say that these frequencies, and the devices that are emanating them are what have caused everything from allergies to auto-immune system disorders “that are fairly widespread in our world today.”

I guess people are really getting HIV from their TVs. Makes total sense. And lucky for them they have access to the modern medical data (blood tests, CAT scans, genetics, etc.) of the world population for the past 500 years to back up the idea that today the fit is hitting the shan while in the good old days it was all a pleasant breeze. Well, maybe that’s to broad a stroke, at least they have that kind medical data for a portion of the population of Cleveland for the past 200 years.

Then they specifically tackle WIFI which transmits in the 5 GHz to 2.5 GHz range (12 cm to 6 cm wavelength). Now if they were to cut out their strange etheric introduction and focus on the fact that microwave ovens transmit at 2.45 GHz (12.24 cm), then maybe, just maybe, the could begin to formulate a rational argument…but, alas, we are swimming backstroke in the concrete pool of New Age Mysticism after diving in head first (and some of us may have forgotten that protective head gear).

When you sit in front of your computer and surf the internet, you are actually exposing yourself to hundreds of thousands of frequencies from the computers of everyone else who is simultaneously surfing the internet.

Wait, what? So now I’m exposed to José in Cabo San Lucas’s frequencies as he’s searching for Wisconsin vacation spots? How is his wireless reaching me here, halfway up the California coast…and where can I get one of those. Anyone with wireless in their house can test it and you’ll see that you’ll loose connection at well under 400 feet range.

As a result, the normal fatigue that comes from exposure to the EMFs [electromagnetic fields? So they’re still talking about light here] that computers radiate is multiplied hundreds of times.

So what is my computer radiating when it’s not connected with WIFI? Well, it’s radiating heat, and the screen is radiating visible light. Well, our third eye (read: skin), is great at detecting infrared radiation and when it’s getting harmful. And the visible light, well, there might be some emission in the ultraviolet, but many flowers reflect in the ultraviolet, and them rave-kids and hippies like the ultraviolet…must be the ultraviolet light causing the damage.

After spending significant time surfing the web, a more sensitive person would probably notice increased eye pain, headaches, or fatigue-even to the point of feeling “brain dead.”

Haha! Yeah, the “more sensitive person” will “probably notice”, ha! That describes just about everyone that has spent time in front of a computer (surfing the web or writing for a blog). There are many detrimental effects on their health but there’s a real good rational reason for this: Humanity has not evolved to sit in front of a 17” box, staring at the various wavelengths of light that it emits (the colors) while keeping our fingers close together tap-tap-tapping on a board smaller than the box we are staring at. It’s not natural to our biology. Humanity has only had 50 years to adapt to the idea of computers, and really only about 20 years for the vast majority of America (not saying anything about underdeveloped countries) to get access to them. Think about that next time you get angry at someone for doing something stupid like opening an email from 2hot4u@yahoo.com promising some large cash transaction if you only help him get out of Nigeria. There’s been no time to really adapt. So lay off Grandpa and try helping him understand next time.

Finally they get to the real point…the “Rejuvenizer®,” in all its forms; Personal, Indor/Circuit, Travel and Pet Rejuvenizers® all will “enhance the quality of your life and the lives of your loved ones on all levels.” Great, as a 2^nd level Paladin and as a 16^th level Paladin/2^nd Level Divine Disciple I’ll gain a +2 to all my Saving Throws.

The author goes on to describe how he was in a WIFI spot and he “tuned into [his] Rejuvenizer® and found that it was protecting [him] only 75%, so [he] immediately added a number of new healing and protective functions to ensure that I was protected 100%.” I’ve looked and looked, but I can’t see where to “tune into” these trinkets, let alone how to tell in such accurate percentages how much it is protecting you. And even worse…aren’t they just supposed to protect you…period. Am I going to have to come up with a whole bunch of “healing and protecting functions” on the fly every time there is an EMF fluctuation? He goes on to say that exposure to EMFs have been linked to “weakened endocrine and immune systems which, in turn, lead to more allergies, asthma, cnacer, Chronic Fatigue Syndrom, headaches, fibromyalgia, sleep disorders, ADHD, autism, Alzheimers, Parkinsons, Environmental Illness, and a speeded-up aging process” and he sites his source! Becker, 1990, which is book called Cross Currents: The Perils of Electropollution, the Promise of Electromedicine. Of course, the book was written in 1990, well before WIFI made its appearance. One site that reviews the book describes new plagues (apparently found within the book) and lists “Aids – perhaps a mutation of a pre-existing virus as a result of abnormal EM fields.”

Of course, the site links to a products page where you can get your very own Rejuvenizer®, for $159.00 and, well, they’re pretty stone necklaces and class rings. But, if anything, you should learn more about them, as the before and after images are, well, priceless.

But you may ask, ‘who reads this lunacy? No one really believes in this, do they?’ Well, gentile readers, yes, yes they do, and so it’s now officially why I’m moving out of Sebastopol (never mind that the family and I have been in escrow for a few weeks, that has nothing to do with it, no, of course not).

I’m pretty much against it. My base rule is to wait at least one year after its release before I seriously consider playing it. This doesn’t mean I won’t purchase the books or protest the online community (I’ll more than likely join it).

Of course it’s too early to tell for sure one way or another and the reasons for hating and loving it are legion. More flavor for the fighter classes, civilization as points of light the vast darkness, and rules simplifications in some areas are three examples that get me excited to see the new edition.

The idea of roles, the defender, striker, controller and healer are rather neutral elements in this getting to know 4th edition journey. If fighters can work at being controllers or healers (though obviously not as good as other classes) and wizards can take on defender or striker roles, then I’ll be excited. Based on current information, it would seem that this is the way that it is going. There are some fears that the rogue will become the primary damage dealing class, which I distain due to philosophy that rogues, in a table top role-playing game, should be better suited to social situations and sneaking around (which includes “striking” in fast and quick at unsuspecting targets) and the fighter should always outclass the rogue when it comes to dealing damage. But the idea that the rogue will outclass the fighter seems to be born more out of online fear than hard facts.

But the more I read, the more I hear, the more I dislike what is coming, or at the very least I dislike the idea of what I think is coming.

Take recent revelations about the wizard class:

“Even though we want wizards to have a little less "concept sprawl" into all forms of arcane magic, that doesn't mean that every necromancy, enchantment, or illusion spell will be stripped out of their spell lists. You won't be able to really build a specialist Enchanter, but you can still build a wizard with a couple of handy enchantments.” http://www.enworld.org/ January 7th, 2008.

This implies that either “some” or “many” of the necromancy, enchantment and illusion spells have been stripped from the wizard’s spell list. Previously, the wizard class was the epitome of magic use (1st edition even named the class “magic-user” and only when those characters reached higher levels could they call themselves “wizards”). A wizard could develop a wide assortment of spells to cover every situation and the player was left to his or her intelligence and creativity in preparing the best choices for a given day or encounter. With three “schools” of magic stripped down, that leaves only 5 left; abjuration, conjuration, divination, evocation, and transmutation. In classical fantasy, such as Howard’s Conan works, the archetypal wizard bad-guys were necromancers, enchanters and illusionists (with conjurers as well). So from a Dungeon Master’s view, his archetypal foes for the player’s have been stripped of their powers. Perhaps other classes, such as the bard and warlock, will take up the slack, but gone (apparently) is the ability of the DM to have some peasant describe the inhabitant of the dark tower as a vile ‘wizard” giving rise to the fear of either fighting a foe with a large assortment of spells or fighting a foe specialized in one of the classic schools of magic.

Alignment is another area that is being changed;

“[Wizards of the Coast] are greatly reducing [alignment’s] scope because of the harmful pigeonholing it's done in the past.” http://www.rpg.net/reviews/archive/13/13546.phtml

Also;

“One major change to this system in 4E is the fact characters can choose to be “unaligned,” having no significant impulses towards good or evil. Characters can still choose to be good or evil (law and chaos are not mentioned), but most characters and monsters will be unaligned. Unsurprisingly, most spells and powers that revolve around alignment are now gone.” http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=213815

“Harmful pigeonholing”… perhaps, maybe with inexperienced players. To the more experienced players this is idiotic. Dungeons & Dragons has always been about heroic battles, good vs. evil, and the vanquishing of terrible foes. It’s always been stated that alignment is a general outlook for most people, with the common populace often being neutral under a particular social alignment (often dictated by the structure and nature of the ruling class). In other words, those in power dictated the national alignment while the population generally remained neutral (or slanted to the alignment of their species – I’ll use ‘species’ throughout as I prefer it to ‘race’). Only when player’s start claiming that their character needs to do something stupid because they are chaotic, they can’t have fun because they are lawful, they can’t be angry because they are good or they have to be a serial killer because they are evil does alignment become an problem, but it’s a problem of the players, not the system.

“Unaligned”. Neutral by any other name would still play the same. While it is true that the neutral alignment is often implemented as a “balancer” philosophy (which is then extended to nature and the idea that a neutral character seeks balance in the natural order), it has also been used, quiet effectively, for the common man.

“Each race seems to have a clear “homeland”. http://www.enworld.org/index.php?page=4e

Okay, so in the core books they are using the whole civilization as “points of light” and as such Wizards of the Coast feels the need to separate the species into different areas. I dislike where it’s heading here, though there isn’t enough information at hand to argue one way or another. If it’s used as a guideline, as a general idea that elves prefer the woodlands and humans prefer the open plains, then fine. If they build and structure abilities and powers around these homelands then I’ll be annoyed.

One of the core issues with 4th edition is the removing of “fluff” powers. They started this with the demons and devils and their transition from 3.0 to 3.5. In 3.0, many of the more powerful demons and devils had a vast array of magical abilities, some useful in combat, others not. In 3.5 they removed many of the powers, scraping away the non-combat abilities more often than not.

“A typical monster has a lifespan of five rounds. That means it basically does five things, ever, period, the end.

Giving a monster detect thoughts or telekinesis, for example, makes us feel like those monsters are magically in the minds of their minions and are making objects float across the room all the time. But they aren’t! Until the moment they interact with the PCs, they’re in a state of stasis. And five rounds later, they’re done.” http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/dd/20070803a

And they are correct about the five round lifespan. But that’s five rounds once initiative is rolled (or, possibly, five rounds counting the surprise round). What about the “role-playing” time. PC’s may scry or spy or just outright visit the creature in question, it’s not in stasis, it’s living. The monster may stalk the characters, detecting thoughts when it can…living. It may escape from the battle to live beyond those five rounds. The whole move of 4th edition to streamline combat, make it exciting, fast, and fun is great but it is being done at the expense of role-playing possibilities.

“If a DM can’t quickly find and easily adjudicate the five interesting things that monster is going to do, then the whole at-the-table experience suffers.” Ibid.

Which, like the alignment issue, is the problem of the players (specifically the DM) and not a problem with the system.

This is the issue that irks me the most, as the prices of the books continue to increase, as the demographics continually point to older (and therefore more self-sufficient and able to afford the books) audience, they are dumbing down the game. And while any experienced DM can add or subtract what he wants, why take away the “fluff” powers which would help new players think outside the box.

It is a terrible thing, that box, that thinking only of the five rounds of combat that an opponent plays upon the field of battle. It reduces the game to a complicated form of chess. It lays out the five things that creature will do, that all creatures like it will do, each round every time it is encountered. And if the creature escapes to fight another day, the players will have no surprises, there will be no awe as the creature cannot tap into different abilities, change its approach, learn from its mistakes. The box is shrinking, and as it does it creates more work for the DM to tailor encounters, so much so that a DM is better off playing 3rd edition or creating a new role-playing game herself.

Of course, 4th edition isn’t yet released and I don’t know the whole story. Perhaps the good will outweigh the bad. Perhaps the bad only appears to be so now amidst all the speculation. In six months we’ll see.

The whole thing revolves around the issue of new age mysticism using words and phrases from quantum theory to validate the religious beliefs (and often claiming to invalidate rational thought, scientific method, etc) of said new age mysticism. I can’t tell you how often I cringed when taking Tai Chi and the instructor would say, “now push against your quantum energy field.” More specifically, it’s the idea that the observer will, at some level, affect the outcome of an experiment and how ‘popular’ culture has run with it. This idea is taken up as an example of how existence is a subjective experience and that consciousness affects reality. In general this is only present in certain aspects of the new age movement. It does not include standard Wicca or Gia/Goddess religions, though often astrology and other forms of divinations can implement the use of quantum talk into their methods. Specifically, new age movements such as The Secret and its “law of attraction”, various UFO conspiracy theories (often to explain the propulsion systems of ships and other advanced technology), also forms of Tai Chi, Yoga, and other Eastern and “alternative” medicine movements.

This idea led us to the Hippy Uncertainty Principle, which is much like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. But before I go into the HiUP, I should gloss over the HUP and the nutshell basics of Quantum Theory.

Quantum Theory, essentially says that electromagnetic energy is absorbed and emitted in discrete “quanta,” or bits that can’t be divided into smaller pieces. A particle that re-emits energy can only do so at specific, quantized, values. As a loose analogy, let’s say that you, the particle, are playing dodge ball and you’ve managed to collect four balls (the electromagnetic energy). So there you are, holding four balls and another player throws a ball at you. Now, you’re holding a lot of balls and when that ball hits you, you’re going to probably end up dropping some of the balls you’re holding. But you can only drop a whole number of balls. You can’t drop half a ball, or two and a quarter balls. You can only drop 0 through 4 whole balls. And if you are able to catch the ball thrown at you, you must catch all of it (for a total of 5 balls) or none of it.

The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (HUP) basically says that for a given particle the more closely you measure where it is, the less you know about the particle’s momentum, its mass times its velocity (or speed in a given direction). So here’s the core of the “observer affecting the outcome of an experiment.” The better you measure where the particle is, the less you know about it’s momentum, so much so, that if you were able to measure exactly where that particle is (and you can’t), then it’s momentum could be anything, you would have no way of knowing. The reverse is true, the more you know about a particle’s speed and direction then less you know about where it is.

But the HUP only really applies at the subatomic level. Sure, you and I are more massive than a proton, but look at our velocity. I’m just sitting here after all. Even if you were to take into account the fact that I’m spinning around on the surface of the Earth as the Earth hurtles itself around the Sun, that means I’m only moving at 465 m/s + 29,800 m/s = 30,265 m/s. That may sound fast, but in Quantum Theory, we’re dealing with particles moving at nearly 300,000,000 m/s, roughly ten thousand times as fast. And look at our positions, in one direction I take up nearly two meters (6 feet). The diameter of a proton is roughly 10^-15 meters, which means that I’m 2,000,000,000,000,000 (or 2 quadrillion times) taller than a proton. That’s about how much more difficult it is to pin-point a proton than it is to pin-point me (and by pin-point, we mean “know the probability of the object being at a given location”). Even still, the scale at which the HUP takes effect is around 5 x 10^-34 meters-squared * kilograms divided by seconds. That’s a five with thirty-three zeros in front of it before the one’s place, or 0.0000000000000000000000000000000005!

So that’s the basics to Quantum Theory and the HUP. Now what about HiUP? The Hippy Uncertainty Principle states that the more a new ager defines his or her religious position the less clear the arguments that they use to support that position become and the more clear they make their arguments the harder it becomes to determine their religious position. In layman’s terms, it’s the “what the fuck are you talking about” hypothesis.

Take for example The Secret and its “law of attraction.” The basic premise is that you and your thoughts bring either good or bad things, specifically material things, to you. Okay great, we know the spiritual position they take. But then they try to explain it by stating that there is a law of attraction. Take, for example, this quote from http://law-of-attraction-info.com/: “Universal Laws govern the Universe.  They are basic principles of life and have been around since Creation. They are laws of the Divine Universe. Universal Laws apply to everyone, everywhere. They cannot be changed. They cannot be broken.” Okay, so what’s a “Universal Law”? The site explains, “1. What are universal laws? (Hint: They are like glue.)” it then goes on after a while; “Once you have the answer, you will begin to see how dramatically your life can be empowered by your new insight. To begin to understand it all, one must consider, briefly, why the universe exists in the first place.” So now, to understand a Universal Law, we have to “consider” an age old question that humanity has argued over and discussed since the recording of our thoughts. The site goes on to state, “The reason behind the creation of creation can be summarized as follows: In the absence of that which is not, That Which Is is not. In other words, the Original Source that some people refer to as God was all that there was; there was nothing else. Now that presented a problem.” So to clarify, in the absence of nothing (that which is not), something (that which is) is nothing. So, if there is something, then that something is nothing. Okay. Then it goes on (of course), “This Infinite Being knew itself to be all powerful and infinite, but without something to compare itself against, so to speak, there was no way of experiencing that infinity and power.” So something is all powerful but it doesn’t have the power to comprehend that it is powerful, let alone all powerful. Right. Wait…so what is a universal law, let alone the Law of Attraction?

Okay, about half way down the page, we get the following, “a universal law is a bond that connects all experience so as to achieve total knowing.” Well, to quote a bit of the definition of experience from wordnet.princeton.edu, experience is “the accumulation of knowledge that results from direct participation in events or activities.” So a universal law is a bond that connects all the accumulated knowledge so as to achieve total knowing. But what do they mean by “bond”? Or “total knowing.” And really, who believes that “total knowing” is possible? Well, maybe for an all powerful creator…but their all powerful creator could not, on its own without performing some other action, achieve the total knowledge that included knowing it was all powerful.

It goes on (of course), to give an example of a “law” other than the law of attraction, the “law of gratitude”, which states, “You have heard it many times that an attitude of gratitude has the power to get you realizing your dreams at record speed. Why? Because gratitude completes the cycle of knowing.” Well there is always the possibility that I have lived in a bubble, but I’ve never heard that. In addition…there’s cycles of knowing? WTF’s a cycle of knowing? Yesterday I didn’t know anything about it, today I’ve achieved total knowing of it, and tomorrow I won’t know it? But when not knowing something is absent from me then knowing anything is absent from me as well?

Well, at least after that law we get to the law of attraction, but by this point we’ve had to go over so much inane double-speak that I don’t really care to hear about it. But we got here so, “[The law of attraction] states that you attract whatever you put your attention to.” And of course, since we are living in this world where an “Original Source” is to powerful to realize on its own that it’s all powerful, that if I’m not thinking about things that I’m not aware of then what I’ve put my attention to is also not.

Yeah, HiUP at its finest.

I’ve always heard, maybe you have too, that if you work hard towards your goals, keep them “in sight,” then you will achieve them. That’s what it appears “The Secret” and its “Law of Attraction” is trying to say, but they’ve dressed it up in a Tolkien-esq pseudo-world of hyperbole and nonsense that name drops historical figures that have nothing to do with it, other than being smart and well known humans, in order to try and gain an authoritative voice.

Once again, this is only a hypothesis and not a hard tested theory (and if you don’t know the definition for a scientific theory then by all the gods, go here: http://www.ncsu.edu/labwrite/res/res-glossary.html and scroll to “scientific theory”). It’s based on my experiments in talking with new agers and online research.

The HiUP does not apply to fundamentalist religious thinking as they have the intelligence to remove themselves from the scientific sphere of knowledge and present the world with their definitive source(s) such as the Torah, Bible, or Koran. They, at least, use their source as their basis and do not attempt to interpret scientific discoveries as new foundations for their belief system (of course some try to reinterpret scientific discoveries to fit their belief system, which is a wholly unintelligent way to design a system of belief, but it doesn’t apply to the HiUP as it currently stands). They are Newtonian in their approach, position and momentum placed squarely within the pages of their sacred texts, and as with Newton, belonging firmly in the 1600’s (or earlier).

I find it interesting that the old religions (in the fundamentalist manifestations) tend to reject scientific findings in order to continue to support their belief systems (creationism and intelligent design) while the new religions tend to warp and twist scientific findings to their own ends.

In the end, the best new age is one of the oldest, good old Crowley and his Thelema. “0 = 2”, “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will” Magick is the expression and implementation of the will. I will these words here, now, therefore I perform magick in its purest form. I will my hand to pick my nose, therefore I have invoked comedic-magick. But that’s just my mundane but magickal interpretive dance with the subject of new age thinking.

Blessed be, but don’t be an idiot.

(thanks to the Bad Astronomer, http://www.badastronomy.com/,  for some science fact checking).

No, this is a general business complaint, one that is not just shot at Apple, they just happen to be the first store of the season in which I encountered the issue.

The issue? So I went to buy my wife a bluetooth ear piece to replace the one that Cthulhu deemed unworthy for this world. Before I even got in line a nice woman offered to help by getting the hand-held credit card reader, I handed her my credit card and driver’s license. She swiped the one card while glancing at the other. I was getting almost giddy at how fast the process was moving. She looked back at the ID. I smiled. Then she asked me, “what’s your email?” I felt like I was in one of those idiotic Visa commercials where the perfectly moving dance of commerce is halted by someone paying with (dear gods, no!) cash. First response was, “fuck you.” But, of course, I’m to slow to just blurt things out like that and so the second response got through, “why?” She smiles and says, “so we can send you the receipt.” Well, like I pointed out, I’m a bit slow, but not too slow, so instead of saying “no,” I said “okay,” and gave her an old email address that I never check and is filled with spam. She types in the email and then asks me, “zip code?” I’m used to this question from Best Buy, but fuck if it doesn’t piss me off every time. So I give it to her. Then she asks me, “do you want just the email copy of your receipt or do you want a hard copy as well.” I squint at her, realizing now that they didn’t need my email at all for the receipt (like I said, I’m a bit slow).

So, with hard copy receipt in hand, I walk out of the Apple store pissed off to no end, feeling taken advantage of, and I realize that I’m the old man who takes things to seriously now, who gets upset by having my privacy intruded upon by corporate entities. Who, ironically and even hypocritically, lives part of his life on Myspace, this blog, website, Secondlife, and World of Warcraft (what with it’s data-mining program Warden and all).

In the end though, the difference is, if I just want to buy a product in a store, I should be able to drop the card, cash or check, no questions asked. As a consumer, it is my right to demand appropriate service from the people that I am purchasing products from. And though I understand that it is interesting to see that the people from West County generally spend X compared to the people from the east part of the county who spend Y so that you can better your service in general…really, I reserve the right to not give you my money if you ask for more information that I deem necessary.

So now I just have to figure out something from the Apple store that I would want and then go in to see if they’ll sell it to me without my information. Though, of course, it would be respectful if I tested this when there isn’t a holiday line standing behind me waiting on the old man to finish his rant against modern society.

Since I have very little time to write these days, I’m making public one of the few continual artistic endeavors that I engage in. It’s in the form of a text message, and usually I write one a day, Mon through Fri usually between 9 am to 7 pm (PST). So, if A ) you are interested, and B ) you have a cell phone that can receive text messages, then email me at Fizzygoo (at sign) aol (dot) com with your cell phone number, first and last name, and I will add you to the list. You will know that the text is from me because it will begin with “TALES”.

Note that, due to the large number of text messages this may generate, I won’t be making many personal calls (not that I do anyway) and request that you keep replies limited if at all. Who knows, this may be to expensive to do past the first month.

If you do sign up for them, and later choose not to be included just email me or text me with something like “Remove me, you fuck-fuck” along with your name and phone number.

There’s a half dozen sullen cigars in the ashtray,

Sitting there like aristocratic wights.

All hoary headed

Gnawed upon

Used up.

Smoked.

Music from my twenties plays upon titled speakers.

Timed tracks timing out my thirties,

Carrying me towards the forties

With the melancholy

Of blind youth

Gone by.

Each breath, each beat, each passing through

A thousand endless thoughts which are

Torches in the endless darkness.

Lights in a silent rocky cave.

You can’t ever go back

The way you came.

I joined a gym tonight. First time working out in over six months. It was when I walked into the main foyer, with the ten or twenty men sitting at tables out side the racket ball courts, that it first began to stir. When I entered the men’s room and saw two or three old naked men standing around I knew it was going to hit me. I found my locker, spent minutes trying to open it, finally succeeded, changed into my gym clothes, locked the locker and went back outside. I was starting to work up a sweat and I hadn’t touched the weights. I looked down the hall, searching for my wife, and found her standing talking to two other women. It took me at least five seconds. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Then I moved towards them then stood waiting quietly until they finished talking. I then followed my wife upstairs to the weight room. She tried to ask me if I wanted help, but I couldn’t really hear her; I just wanted her to stop talking to me, stop drawing attention to me, anything to take the attention away. Somehow I communicated that I would be fine and that she should go get on a treadmill. I walked slowly through the rows of machines and made my way to a bench by the free weights. There weren’t that many people around, two actually. I grabbed a very light dumbbell and sat down on the bench. I did six reps of eight, only I think I only really finished four before my left arm was needing my right’s help. Then I sat there. I wasn’t sure what to do, where to go next. I sat there until a person left and two more drew near. The only place I could look was the floor otherwise I’d risk making eye contact. Finally I stood up. I walked slowly through the rows of the machines trying to focus on the words written on them that explained what muscle group they worked. Then I started walking towards the stairs. I glanced at my wife, made eye contact and smiled. Then I went down the stairs, overly slow, trying not to run. I went back into the men’s room, more naked old men, got to my locker, dressed, packed my bag, walked out, entered the foyer, made it to the front desk and realized that I had left the key in the locker. I turned around, quickly made my way back to the locker, grabbed the key, locked the locker, walked back to the foyer, handed the woman my key, grabbed my temporary membership card and walked out.

I cried the whole drive home, tears streaming down my face, with this terrible fear, this horrendous realization that I haven’t grown up, that I’m still this ten year old boy frightened by the humanity around him. Frightened of being an idiot, weak, unknowing and unsure. The rational part of me tries to say that it was good, needed to start working out somewhere. And now that I’m in my garage, Thelonious Monk playing away while I smoke my pipe, the rational part of me is free to express itself.