Manifesto for a Cult

After all these years, decades even, I still want to write a manifesto, I still want to be a cult leader. Of course violence, destructive natures, usually go hand in hand with manifesto writing cult leaders. That’s not my aim, not my goal. But I would guess, even the best madmen start out with good intentions. Or, at least, they figure that everything will go according to plan without much thought going into the violence that would have to arise to make the plan work. This is why I’m not a manifesto writing cult leader. When I figure out how to do it, how to get into that line of work, and ensure that no violence or harm arises from it, I’ll post openings for things like “cultist” and “master of phantasmagoric ritual” and other such things. It’ll be boss.

The manifesto, I figure, will be a Crowley-Nietzsche mix, Will to Power, Magick is Will, that kind of thing. Being your own individual will be a cornerstone, but also being holistic I’ll have to square the circle before I can get corners for stones. The manifesto will applaud reasoning and understanding as well as embracing your emotions; learning to yield to your emotions as they yield to you, an Ouroboros deal so to achieve balance for the them, reasoning and logic to understand where the emotions come from and how to deal with the world around you, Magick –  Will to direct your emotions and knowledge to further your happiness. Meditation will be study, learning, teaching, dialogue and argument. Prayer will be action, exercise, building, creating, and sex. This manifesto is for this world; “But we must tend our gardens” after all.

The cult will be made up of members that have read the manifesto and understand it. If I was the destructive, violent, cult leader type, I’d rule that if you didn’t understand the manifesto then the cult would eat you (we couldn’t have you walking around, knowing about the manifesto, and be un-digested now could we); a highly ritualistic and morbid affair, a nosferatu feast rather than a Leatherface fiasco.  But I only find cannibalism funny in conversation, not in practice. Some might think that to be in the cult, members should have to swear by the manifesto, be ready to die for it, and so on. But I figure if you read it, and understand it, and still want to be in the cult…we’ll, that’s a pretty glowing gesture of acceptance of and for the manifesto, now isn’t it. But of course, all this rests on the ability to figure out how to have a nice pleasant non-violent cult.

The cult will have to be a secular cult, not religious. Things get complicated when you bring in religion. Just look at Judeo-Christian-Islamic origins…how many different groups, organizations, ideologies, leanings, etc emerged from those early writings? No, no. My cult needs to be secular. The cult won’t try to argue for anything that it can’t prove. This is one way to ensure that things don’t go all crazy-violent, as a secular cult leader can’t claim that the old gods are telling him to make his followers do things…and if he does make those claims, then the cult just puts him in a medical care facility for schizophrenia, or eats him…but we’re trying to avoid cannibalism.

Now some might claim that this isn’t really starting to sound like a cult. Well, don’t you worry. We’ll have the coolest cultist robes ever, grand scented and unscented multi-color candles, inscribed walls with awesome geometric patterns and esoteric imagery, secret handshakes, decoder rings and more!

The cult will have two core laws;

1. Do no harm.

2. Make funny.

The first is from the Hippocratic Oath. The second comes from my personal philosophy (posted here).

Where, how, when to start this cult are all great questions without any good answers at this point. Location is important.

Well, Northern California is currently where the center of the cult will be. I’m there, and it is my cult. At first we’ll probably just have to use my house, which isn’t great because I don’t think my wife1 will like a bunch of cultists hanging out. Now if everyone is clean and keeps things nice, I’m sure that will go a long way to making it bearable for everyone until the Lair can be constructed.

The Lair will be between Petaluma and Novato. On 101, there’s a bend in the hills. Towards the west there are a few hills, one of them is perfect. There will be a tower build upon that hill and on top of that tower there will be a large statue of a dragon curled around the tower, poised as if attacking the tower itself. There will be a propane fueled flamethrower in the statue and at night it will be turned on so that every 15 to 20 minutes, drivers on 101 are greeted on their dark drive with flash of flame that illuminates the dragon and tower for a few seconds.

I know, cults are supposed to be secretive and everything. But, I’m merging my lifelong dream of making this tower with the cult-idea, that way: two birds with one stone. Regardless, the outside is pretty much for show. Down the hill, away from 101, there will be gardens and orchards to live off of. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a meat eater, meat seems natural to me, it’s good. But, if we can get the cult self-sufficient so that we grow all our own food then so much the better. But growing our own food in a small area kind of negates livestock, so I figure we’ll go vegetarian. The plus side is that it will minimize any “bestiality” rumors about the cult, and bestiality is right out…with my cult anyways. Fishing will be a good way to satisfy the meat cravings, sushi is good, but bovine will be far more difficult to come by. I figure if you can win a debate, arguing against Voltaire, with a cow then you can eat the cow. If you loose, well, under normal circumstances the cult would eat you…but I guess we’d have to feed you to the cow in order to avoid going all cannibal.

Now inside the tower, we’ll have to dig down. After all, most of the surface structure will be given over to supporting the dragon’s weight. But below the surface, we’ll have extensive catacombs that lead to the various rooms. The catacombs will all be scary, spooky, torch-lit hallways, but the living quarters will be furnished and lit as deemed fit by those living in them. I’m thinking we could get some nice “sky” lights extending from the rooms to the surface so that we get nice natural lighting. Indoor swimming pool is a must, Olympic sized so that people can keep in shape and have fun at the same time.

The crux of the problem though is whether to be modern or not. Normally, under “normal” cult circumstances, we could never allow TV, radio, internet or other media forms to get in. After all, nothing like learning about outside things to make one question the authority of the cult. But on the other hand, this is supposed to be a non-normal cult (hell, we’re outlawing cannibalism for starters!). So maybe some media, but not a lot. Sitcoms and reality TV and soap-opera/continual-story-line TV would be right out if I were the leader…and I am, so, out they go. Movies would be in. News is in. Documentaries are in. Of course one could argue that Sitcoms and soap operas are just short and long movies respectively and reality TV is just in-the-moment documentaries about really stupid subjects. So I guess all of it’s in, in the end.

Internet and telephone are normally out, what with all that “don’t let your cult members have contact with the outside world” attitude of typical cult leaders. But again here, we want everyone’s families not to worry, hell, we’d even invite people out to visit…no, wait, we’d have standing invitations, so that family and friends could come out and visit without notice, anytime. Of course some family members might get upset, what with all the learning and happiness and healthiness going on at the Lair, but we could just eat them. Sorry, no, we could just ask them to leave if they got to rowdy…no cannibalism.

Books though…you have to love books to get into the cult. And by this point, who doesn’t want to get in? We’ve got a freakin’ fire breathing dragon and a tower and catacombs, and grown-by-our-own-hands food, and we’re all accomplished sushi chefs, and we’re healthy and happy and non-violent! So yeah, books are good, got to like to read them. And every once in a while every member would have to read a book that was, for that individual, really hard to understand. Kind of like school, in a way, because you’d have to look up words and maybe reference other books to make sense of it all. But when you finished, you’d be all giggaty. Or maybe not. The cult is about individualism, after all. But still, highly recommended that you find some reason to like books. Start with funny books; they’re your best bet. Also, getting books that describe nudity and sex is a good way to get, ahem, aroused by the written word…after a few of those you can start to move on to the books that get your cortex engorged.

Yeah, so that’s about it. Manifesto and cult-leader thoughts. Of course the manifest will have to be really long where I go off on long tangents about this or that. But it’s good to do that, that way it leaves a lot of room for interpretation after I’m eaten by my cult, wait, no…after I die of natural causes due to a long an healthy life living with friends whom I just happen to call “Dark Brother of Debauchery” and “Morbid Sister of Masochism” for the fun of saying “debauchery” and “masochism” and “of.”

1Edit, 2012: Now that I’m officially, like legally and stuff, no longer married, this is a silly worry. Still, would be good to keep things clean in case family or friends or the FBI show up looking to hang out or search for bodies.

Originally posted 2008-Nov-30

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